A Long Awaited Blog Update!

So, as anyone who actually tries to read my blog can tell... I have been terrible at trying to update at all in the last 4 months.

I am very sorry for that, but so many things have happened that have made it difficult to grab a second to blog.

So since I blogged last:

-We packed up everything and moved! Its not quite as nice or as big as the place we were before, but we have our own entryway and we are much, much closer to our church. It is so nice when Michael is there as often as he is in any given day or week.

- I have not yet completed the painting I mention in previous post. I was so hoping to really get that going, but as with lots of things in my life God has overhauled any plans that I had for His own.

-Our car died a couple days after Thanksgiving! It was a 2003 Hyundai Elantra and it did have some miles on it, but still! We were not in any way expecting that to happen!

- I have had roller coaster days with my health. And Michael has gotten sick quite a bit this fall as well. In fact Michael had a sinus infection that caused him to end up with Pericarditis diagnosed after an overnight stay in the hospital four days before Christmas.

Needless to say a lot of things have been happening. And I quite frankly do not want to make any promises that I will get to the photos I previously said I would or new ones for that matter.

I am going to take things one week at a time and hope that I do better at updating this blog more often.

Summer

So I am apparently still too busy to blog and I had hoped to be able

to share some photos of my painting project and other fun summer

activities, but I haven't been able to upload them to the computer yet!

I will try to do an update after things slow down...

which may not be until September, but I hope you'll give me some grace :)

Too busy to Blog!!!

Yikes has time gotten away from me! I didn't realize that it has been like two or

three weeks since I have updated my blog!

I apologize for that! But as you can tell by the title... I have been too busy to update

ye ole blog!

Michael and I have had so many things going on in the last few weeks that it has

been super hard to carve out time and cohesive thoughts to put up!

But I'll try to keep up during this summer I promise!

Kerrie Says it Best

Outcast-Kerrie Roberts

Since I can remember

Guess I've been a problem

Never had a filter

Never been the popular one

To sugar coat what I know is undeniable

I just can't hide it

I wear it like a letter

Everywhere I go

Everyone is talking

I can feel them staring

They hope I'm just pretending

And giving up my power

Caving into pressure

I'm not living for them

I live for something better

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

I will stand my ground

And be an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So what if I don't look the

Part I'm supposed to play

What if I don't follow

All the rules they make

They think I should be perfect

They love it when I mess up

No grace in case I blow it

A good girl shouldn't need it

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

I will stand my ground

And be an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So slow and everybody's so fast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

I try to play nice

I don't want to fight

But I won't be gray

When it's all black and white

Cause what I believe

Is what makes me strong

If I don't belong

I hold onto love

I try to play nice

I don't want to fight

But I won't be gray

When it's all black and white

Cause what I believe

Is what makes me strong

If I don't belong

I hold onto love

So-o what if I'm an outcast (Oh)

So-o what if I'm an outcast (So what if I'm an outcast)

So slow and everybody's so fast

No matter what it costs to be an outcast

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in (I don't wanna fit in)

I will stand my ground

To be an outcast

Kerrie definitely says it best. And I definitely feel that my blogs as of late have shown

my self conscious, insecurity about who I am.

I cannot choose how people see, but once upon a time I really didn't care.

I was okay with being an "outcast" and not fitting the mold. That came after years of trying

to fit in and only finding humiliation.

Suddenly I have become that little girl who was scared and didn't want to stand out. I have

had several regressions to that little girl in my life, only to find more humiliation and I don't

want to go through that again.

I know who I am. I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, dearly loved and I will

serve the God who sent His son to die for my sins.

Fitting in has never worked for me, I stand out and I can't change that!

But instead of trying to run away or attempt to keep the attention for myself,

I am going to direct the attention to my Heavenly Father.

He continually changes my life, so I want others to know that He will change theirs too!

The Unblog

I am feeling really tired and sick today. My head hurts and it is hard to write out my

thoughts so although my original intention was to write a blog entry today... I am not

going to.

Sorry :(

As You Can Tell...

Life has been rough on me lately.

I feel like I have maybe complained a bit. I am not happy with that fact, but its there.

In these rough times I don't want to be someone who only views the burdens and not

the blessings, because I don't want to spread that bad attitude.

I am on empty a bit lately. One difficult thing after another can do that to a person.

Sympathy is not what I am seeking when sharing how life has been hard,

because everyone is going through something. I don't like to share the negative so much.

Thats why more often than not you will hear me talking about makeup or hair or my

little nieces or my new little nephew.

I feel like people think I am an air head or flighty because I talk up these aspects to avoid

the others. It seems to me that people get sick of hearing that prayers weren't answered

the way we all wanted. Then it feels like people think its your fault for not hearing good news!

I am a small HUMAN part of this world. Life doesn't begin or end at me. Thank God!

And as you can tell, I am taking a break from being someone with answers.

For a while I think I am going to be a person with questions, seeking after the Lord

with my whole heart, seeking hope and a future.

Pray for me and if you let me know you need it... I'll pray for you too.

You can be a rude person too!

Rude people drive me nuts. Which is why I often drive myself nuts!

Lol, okay I am mostly kidding when I say that, but I know that I am guilty of rude behavior at times.

The incident that causes this blog post has to do with a co-worker of Michael's and a common theme that I have posted about before.

Illness.

This co-worker of Michael's asked him recently if I had a job yet. I don't, so Michael's answer of course was "No, she doesn't. She has been sick quite a bit." Then this co-worker proceeded to rant to Michael that there is no reason his wife shouldn't have a job, that their co-worker who has been sicker than his wife has a job and that his wife has no excuse.

*For those of you who don't know... I have asthma, a condition called Vaso-Vagel Syncope (fainting), and Endometriosis. At any given time any one of these (usually the combinations) can flatten me out for several days to weeks*

Now I should mention that Michael kept this from me for over a week and a half. It didn't come up till I asked about how this co-worker, who ranted about my not having a job, was doing and if Michael worked with them lately or not.

Michael shared with me that responding politely was difficult but he said that "Its really hard for her to find a job. In the past she has been fired for her health problems getting in the way." He also stated that their co-worker is really fortunate to have her job, that their store manager was really going the extra mile so that they could keep their job despite their sickness.

This person of course argued that it is illegal for companies to fire someone for having health problems. Not that this stopped the people who fired me from firing me, they had several different stories for why I was let go. None the less it came after I had fainted at work and had to be brought home. (This was several years ago by the way.)

I am discouraged that this person, who I would have called my friend, talked about me this way to my husband. I am not really surprised that I am facing harsh criticism about my health struggles again. I don't feel that the world we live in supports those who struggle with health problems fairly.

If you don't look sick, you're wasting time and if you look terribly sick, you're incapable. There are people who look awful who feel fine. There are people who look fine who feel awful. But no one has the right to judge.

Its rude, its hurtful and its unfair. Keep your comments to yourself if you have nothing nice to say. Plenty of people are having a hard enough time as it is, you don't need to cause them any more pain. You can't judge someone fairly if you don't have all the facts.

If you can't do those things, then as the title of this post says "You can be a rude person too!"

Allergy Season

I actually have allergies year round, but this spring has been kicking my butt!

Its probably attacking harder than it normally would to make up for its late

yo-yo style start. None the less I am suffering!

I feel like an allergy medicine addict because I have to use so much!

Eye drops, tablets, nasal spray, gel caps!

Today I was rushed out the door by my hubby and I am more forgetful when

rushed and left without using any! So right now my eyes are dry and irritated,

my nose hurts, my head hurts and my throat feels itchy!

I haven't updated the stock I usually keep in my purse so I am miserable right now.

It makes me sad that Gods green earth makes me sick sometimes! I love nature!

So how about you? Allergies? What helps you out the most?

The Short Update

Its difficult to get a blog out when you are highly distracted!

I have had so much on my mind that I want to share, but no

concentration to do so! Which is what will make this a short blog entry.

I am doing pretty good despite that :)

I'll try again in a day or so. Please have patience

with my flightiness!

In Prayer

Prayer is not a little thing that maybe makes a difference.

Prayer is a huge thing that we can do to show God our hearts.

To praise God for His hand in our lives and for all His

wondrous works. To thank God for what He has given to us.

To humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness of our sins and

to give ourselves over to His will above our own.

Prayer is important in our daily lives. In so called "normal"

situations and extreme situations.

The results of prayer are not always what we expect, but they

make a difference! Whether in us or in our situations God is

sovereign!

Right now I am in prayer over so many things. They all

feel urgent and the outcomes are all terrifying to me.

But I am not going to let the evil one convince me that prayer is some

little thing and God doesn't hear me.

I know He hears and He cares. I will trust in Him.

I will trust in Him!

1 Peter 5:6-10 says:

"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

We need to cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us. We need to be watchful of the evil one and be firm in our faith. Those are all things that require us to be in prayer daily.

I hope you are encouraged.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

Just Get It Out!

There are times when we have strong emotions.

And if you are like me you tend to stuff them.

Either because "you don't have time" to go through them

or you don't want to deal with them.

Its these things that make us like volcanos we stuff and stuff

and those emotions sit dormant until we get hit by one that

heats up all the rest of those stuffed emotions and we blow!

Right now I am learning that I need to cry when I am crying

and just get those emotions out.

Saturday night I got super upset around midnight

(yes I was still awake) because I saw that the Z key on

the keyboard of our netbook was missing.

I got sad, annoyed, angry and depressed. And Michael

and I quickly realized that it was not because of the Z being

missing.

Its because I have stuffed a lot of emotions in order to be flexible

calm and get things done.

I ended up throwing a tantrum and getting mad at God for all of

the things that I can't do anything about. Whether they were

caused by me or not... I yelled at God and cried my eyes out!

I sat tired, depressed and miserable with my tired hubby

looking at me like "what just happened here?"

Volcano Angela erupted, even our dog felt the quakes it caused!

Well I did find the Z and I then realized that God hadn't let that

happen to make me go nuts, but He gave me a way to get all those

emotions out and to teach me that He gave me my emotions so

that I could feel what was going on around me. Not to stuff them

away and explode later.

No it doesn't always feel so nice to be sad or angry, but we

have to choose to feel what we do and get through it.

The best part about that is that we are not alone! He is with

us, He loves us and He will always see us through our trials.

Listing it All Out

So many things going on right now I feel like I can't

tell you all of it in one blog update...

I'll try listing it out and see how much we get in!

I am excited because:

I got to catch up with some old friends and their two boys.

I am starting a couple new projects for the youth group

that include painting and t-shirt crafting

(I usually call it re-purposing).

Its my hubby's birthday tomorrow!

God is good!

I am tired because:

I don't think I have fully recovered from SubZero yet...

I played with the most adorable little boys (who are 5 and around 2)

all afternoon yesterday and my muscles are feeling it today.

There are a lot of emotionally stressful things going on in my family

and I am feeling like the only sane one besides my younger brother!!

I haven't been sleeping well (my thoughts keep me up at night).

I am stressed because:

I have forms I have to fill out for going back to school to finish my

degree(s) and they are due really soon!!!

I am really worried about my toes being stepped on for the projects

I am starting for the youth group. They have been in the works since

before our newer youth staff, I have had a really crummy winter of

being ill which has kept me from getting to them and I don't want

someone else to take them from me as I feel they are important to

leave a legacy for a leader that passed away this summer and to

let the youth know I care even though I may not be part of the youth

staff this fall.

I am sad because:

I miss my Grandma, she would be so encouraging to me in this time.

It was my friend Loren's birthday yesterday and its almost been

a year since she died.

I feel that God is pulling me away from the youth group for another

ministry opportunity, I love working with the youth and Michael

gets to keep working with them. (So I'm trying not to be jealous there)

I am done blogging because:

There isn't really anything else to write about

(which means I fit it all in)...

I feel like I need a nap.

I'll post again next week!

SubZero, New Nephew, and Being Sleepy!

Okay so as you can tell... life has been very busy.

And I kinda feel like there's no rest for the weary,

but I know that isn't true. So I am seeking rest in

Christ alone. He is the one that has delivered peace

and continues to give me refuge.

This weekend was SubZero, an all night youth event we held

at a local community center, with a few other churches.

We had a video game room, girls room, pool and gym time

(for a bball tourney and a dodge ball tourney), refreshments,

an inflatables room(it was human foosball) and we also had a

stage where Semeron, Fades Away and Postina all played

and where we played "Minute to Win It" !!!

I was in the girls room, which we dubbed "The Diva's Den"

I did decor, ambiance, and visited with everyone who stopped

in. There was a gal who did the nail polish station named Isabel

who was so fun to talk to! we also had Stephanie giving some

makeovers and showed girls tricks with makeup,

April doing the crafts (jewelry of course) and taking pictures

in the "Photo Op" and Judy (who put the crafts together)

stuck around to chat and make bracelets too!

It was so amazing to watch the planning process unfold into

the event. Jena (pronounced g-na), Tyler, Jamie, Josh, Joel,

and Mike (not my husband) put so much time and effort in

and that really showed when we were setting everything up!

I thought it went really well and we had 180 kids show up,

100 or so preregistered and the plan is to do it again next year!

After that we ended up at my mom's on Monday of the early am

and during that time Michael's sister in law gave birth to Zuriel Isaac Miller!

Our first nephew! He is so precious! His big sister Naomi loves him,

although we didn't get to see that first hand today, but there's a pic

on Facebook and its so cute!

Oh man after writing this all down I am super sleepy....

and I was really sleepy already!

Tuesday Update about My Weekend

This past weekend was super busy for me.

I had a belated birthday party for my sister Amber,

went to an art show that one of my mom's friends was in,

and went to the celebration of the 20 year ministry of my

former youth pastor Dave and his wife Tami.

Because of Michael's work schedule I had to stay with my mom

all weekend and Monday morning to get to all of these things.

Amber's party was at Mom's and everything else was

around that area so that was convenient!

All those activities brought back so many memories for me.

Good and bad memories.

The good news in all of that however, is that I only had

one really bad break down.

It was after Amber had opened her presents and we had cake.

Amber was in mom's rocker glider with her daughter Katie

in her lap and Abby was on the couch hugging her baby girl Lexi.

I looked at both of them and I couldn't hold it together at all!

I ran upstairs to my mom's room and cried so hard that

I couldn't breathe. My mom came and hugged me

and told me to get it all out. And she listened as I talked about

what it was that triggered all my tears.

It wasn't Abby or Amber's fault. They love their little girls!

What hurt me so much about seeing them hold their

daughters was knowing that I won't get to hold my baby on this earth.

I know someday I will be alright.

That seeing my friends and family hold their kids won't hurt

so bad and I won't have to CHOOSE to be

happy for them, I just WILL be happy for them.

Until then please don't hold it against me if I have to keep

my distance when I'm overwhelmed.

I really do appreciate all of you.

The prayers and support have been marvelous.

Thank you so much!

Without a baby...

Its almost been a week and I am feeling a little better.

I am still crying here and there.

I have unfortunately had to deal with the rude and thoughtless

words of a few insensitive people. That was difficult, but I leaned

on the Lord for support and grace enough to forgive them.

Despite having to deal with the insensitive people, I have been so

blessed by the support and prayers by all of you that I wanted to say

thank you.

I also want to share the positive thoughts I have considered thanks

to my family and friends encouraging me.

Without a baby yet...

I can learn to drive and get my license-

because I don't wanna be a momma who can't get her children from

point A to point B. And it would give me more freedom and Michael

more rest if I had my license as well.

I can go back to college starting this summer-

I want to finish my bible degree and double major in business admin

and Christian counseling. Which may not seem like they go together

but for the things I hope to accomplish they will really help.

I can continue to get healthy and back into shape-

So that my body is ready for a healthy pregnancy in the future

and that is so important to me now.

This whole thing has been so hard and it probably will be for a long time.

But my doubts about my ability to get pregnant are diminished

and I have this little life I lost and my Heavenly Father to thank for that knowledge.

Thanks again for all your support and prayers!

I know I am still gonna need it so please keep them coming!

A little life...

Sorry this update is late, but when I tell you the story I think you'll understand.

You see, I just had a miscarriage.

I lost my baby before I got to know that I had one growing inside me.

This is not the first miscarriage that went this way either.

To some it might seem stupid to be so sad about this, but to me its not.

I have been hoping for a baby for a while now and I was hoping that this

is the spring my prayers get answered.

Its been hard because so many of my friends and relatives are having babies

and getting to grow their families, while I am waiting.

A beautiful little life that I would have loved so much is gone.

Oh this hurts so much! I don't even want to imagine how much worse it would have felt if I knew I was having a baby and lost it!

I know God has a reason. He must have such a good reason, but I can't help asking why!?!?!

Right now it just doesn't feel fair!

So if you're reading this, please pray for me and pray for Michael. Because this hurts and I wouldn't wish this situation for anyone.

Tuesday Update

Warning: this may gross you out!

My life has been put on hold by health struggles yet again.

Two weeks ago I had a really bad sinus infection. I went to the

doctor and got an antibiotic, got better for 4 days, then got sick

again. When I went back to the Dr. she put me on a new antibiotic

that was kicking the infection out of my sinuses, but not out of my

body just down into my lungs. I was coughing so hard that I bruised

muscles, had broken capillaries by my eyes and ended up vomiting.

So she gave me one of those prescription cough suppressants. In the liquid

format! It made me feel like a little kid.

And that feeling was made stronger by staying overnight at my mom's house

so she ended up taking care of me a little :)

I am feeling a bit better now so hopefully I will be able to get back to

normal life here soon!

So that is the update. Hopefully I will have some more exciting things to share soon!

Wednesday's Tuesday Update...?

Yep, apparently. Monday was an okay day to start off with, but as the day went

on I started feeling really sick and yesterday was more of the same and worse.

So my wonderful hubby brought me to the doctor and now I'm on another

antibiotic!

I am trying not to feel discouraged. A tough thing for me to overcome, because

this winter has been brutal on my health! It is taking me away for the

commitments I've made at church and just keeps dashing my hope to get a part time job!

I really hope that others are having a better week and a better winter than I am.

A Stronger Prayer Life

"Take Me In"

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing Your praise
I hunger and thirst for Your Righteousness
But it's only found in one place

[Chorus:]
Take me into the Holy of Holies
Take me in by the Blood of the Lamb
Take me into the Holy of Holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

I had this song stuck in my head all night last night and I decided

that I want to make that my prayer each day.

I want to open my days in prayer! Having real time with my Heavenly Father.

So often I get distracted by things that shouldn't matter to me and I forget

my spiritual life. I really don't want that to continue.

I want to set a better example to the youth I work with and to my family

members who don't have spiritual lives at all!

I hope that I am successful.

The Weekly Tuesday Update!

Alright, so I am not one who usually makes New Years resolutions. And I have tried in the past, but I tend to go overboard! I make a list and usually only keep one....

So this time I thought long and hard about it and felt my blog nagging me to take it more seriously!

The thought I had though, is that I am not really good about writing if I don't have a reason.

But maybe if I make my self a schedule to write I may stick with it more!

I think I am going to start off slowly and just make a once a week update and since my husband has new responsibilities at our church and will be going there early Tuesdays (office hours and youth worship team practice) that I would make that my scheduled day to do it! The reason his being there affects me is because I don't drive and I am one of the leaders for our youth worship team and when he goes I have to go too!

Anyway that is my plan and I hope I can stick with it! You can encourage me to keep it up as well!