This was on my mind...

I don't spend my nights at home watching television, if I want to watch a show I usually go to Hulu.com to catch up on shows I enjoy.

One show that I have enjoyed is Private Practice, a spin-off of Grey's Anatomy.

In the last few episodes they have dealt with the attack and rape of "Charlotte", a tough as nails, gritty southern woman who over her years as a doctor battled an addiction to pain killers.

Charlotte is determined that she doesn't want anyone to pity her, that it happened it was awful and she is never going to face this again.

The thing about Charlotte that bugged me was her mistaking that acting tough, meant she was strong enough to deal with it alone. That by not requesting a rape kit and reporting it to police meant she would never have to deal with it again.

I know that these situations happen and I know that they were trying to reach a certain audience who it may help. But in three parts? I mean they were as graphic as they could get on network television! And I can't get it out of my head!

There are actually quite a few women in my life who have been raped in their lives and I don't know if any of them has ever had anything done about it. Not that they needed to share it with me, but what if the men who raped them, raped other women? What if they could have prevented the attack of someone else?

I know that God allows us to go through things in our lives, that further on help us and strengthen us. I know that, but if you can save someone else?

If you are a victim of an attack of any nature and you never stepped forward... I admit that I do not understand your choice!

Three years ago I was in a Super America buying some snacks for Michael to bring to work with him, it was around 9:15 pm (he was doing overnights at Target back then) and a man with a gun stood right next to me and demanded the money from the cashier. His arm touched my arm and when I didn't get out of his way right away he shoved me over and pointed the gun at me. I was stuck against the wall and I had to decide if I was going to stay there or if I was going to try to run for the door! I was terrified! If I moved was he going to shoot me?

After the robber ran away I could have said to Michael, "I wanna go home and I never want to think about this again!" I was scared! I wanted to get out of there and I had no idea if that guy would be able to come after me if I talked to police. But instead of trying to get away from it, I stayed and I gave my account of what happened. I don't know if he was ever caught, but I know that my statement may have helped!

No I wasn't violated. But I was still a victim in a very scary situation. If you have ever or are ever in that situation you need to speak up. And speak up until someone listens!!!

It is not the "brave" thing to do to be silent! No, you did not ask for that situation to happen to you, you may feel like something was stolen from you, but something is also available to you! The power to save someone else! The power to put your attacker behind bars and/or get them the help they need.

I hope that I never have to experience a situation worse than what I went through and I hope that you will never experience what many before you have.

But please remember that no matter what that God loves you and what is meant for evil, He can make beautiful!

Being sick and cleaning!

Trying to finish cleaning and organizing everything after a disaster like fleas on your dog when you are ill stinks!

It also stinks when you are a perfectionist and you leave laundry up to your husband, who washes a white load that comes out with brown permanent marker splotches on random shirts and socks.

I am so glad that he has been able to step in where I haven't, but I am bummed when something like this happens.

I really hope that I will feel better soon!

So Bugged!

Yesterday was awful!

Now I know I said that I didn't want to complain on this blog, but I realize that life has its ups and downs... so I will just end up talking about them both!

Anyway... the reason that yesterday was awful is because I was sick and we found fleas on our dog!!!

So 3 days ago we checked her fur and skin out as a usual routine and she was fine. Yesterday we were commenting that she has been acting a little weird for the last day and a half, but didn't really know what the cause of it was. A little later I started to rub her belly and found a clump of what at first felt like dirt, but turned out to be fleas.

So because I am generally afraid of bugs and freak out about possible bug infestations, Michael and I went to work bagging everything (all stuff which we'll be washing all weekend long!!!!!). Michael ran to the store to get some flea and tick shampoo, a flea collar and home cleaning products to get rid of fleas as well.

I had called my mom extremely upset, hoping that it would calm me down, but really I was too upset to be on the phone, so I passed the phone to Michael and she gave him some really good suggestions for how to take the cleaning on.

I felt so bad for sticking Fergie in her kennel to watch us clean everything up, but her! So even though there wasn't any place to stick her after I bathed her I stuck her in the bathtub and got her all sudsy and left it on for the 5 minutes the treatment called for (which was quite a feat keeping her from shaking it off!) on the label.

I was shaking so much from everything that Michael kicked Fergie and I out of the basement and we hung out upstairs while she dried and he cleaned her kennel. Once her kennel was clean and dry, I grabbed a clean blanket and said goodnight to my poor fur-baby.

Michael told me to go watch a movie upstairs and not to worry he was going to finish cleaning up our room, vacuum and spray it down.

So that was why my day was so awful! And why Michael and I's Facebook statuses were plain and gloomy.

ps. As I was writing this Michael was getting ready for work and I started shaking because I only slept a couple hours and I ended up crying into his shoulder when he gave me a hug goodbye.

Also after he cleaned out her kennel and finished cleaning and spraying down our room he cleaned out the bathtub, so he could take a shower! He was my hero!!!!!

Buyer Beware or Ignore the Stupid People?

I was reading reviews on a couple mattresses we are interested in buying, they are memory foam and they each have 2-3 layers of soft, medium and firm foam that make up this mattress. While some of the reviews are 5 stars, others are 1-2 stars and I was thinking those sound like drastically different mattresses while reading them, but I wondered if some of those people had their mattress upside down! Such different perspectives on one thing!

Sometimes I wonder about people... I mean did they try to make it work? Or did they get frustrated and not think past that?

I really want to believe the good reviews and get a quality mattress for an amazing price, but I am inclined to be skeptical. Michael and I don't have a lot of money to get a new mattress, so I want to make the best decision possible.

This is so tough!!! Maybe we should check out IKEA's memory foam mattresses too...

Anyone got a suggestion?

Some Moments...

Some moments I am okay with where I am at in life. No its not what I envisioned all the time, but when I first thought of how I thought it would be... I definitely did not see the journey of life. I just saw the destinations I hoped for.

The places that I have stopped along this journey I now see, are shaping me into the woman God wants me to be. I am perfectly fine with that.

I hope that you can experience the same where ever you are in your life right now. Because God has a plan for all of us and He will see us through!

Side by side

Over the four years that Michael and I have been married we've struggled.

Not with our relationship, but just in life.

Sometimes everything has felt like a battle.

The battle for rent money, the battle for good health, the battle for getting all the things done that need to get done in a day!

I know that I have felt the oppressiveness of our world a lot, but I have not been so sure about Michael. I mean he does have his moments of outward expression.

Its just that he has indeed been my rock, letting me explode in tears in his arms using his t-shirt as a tissue.

No matter what the struggle we're side by side.

The best part is that we are trusting in God as a couple.

Tonight I could not sleep. I smelled mildew and mold, had allergy and asthma issues, and then organized laundry and cleaned the garbage can all in a pursuit to vanquish the enemy of my nose!

Michael woke up and helped me. I told him how attacked, how oppressed and sick I was feeling. He paused for a moment then prayed for me and prayed for us.

He thanked God for His presence in our lives.

He asked God to provide for all our needs and he committed our resources as small as they are to the Lord.

No that isn't the first time he prayed a prayer like that and no it may not be his last time. But he brought before the Lord our present struggle, battle if you will and armed us in prayer.

The funny thing is that while Michael was praying, this old song popped into my head and felt urged to look it up online and the words fit so well with how we were feeling. It was almost like God was trying to put a smile on my face.

SIDE BY SIDE (Harry Woods) (1925)

See that sun in the morning,

Peeking over the hill?

I'll bet you're sure it always has and sure it always will.

That's how I feel about someone,

How somebody feels about me.

We're sure we love each other

That's the way we'll always be.

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money,

Maybe we're ragged and funny

But we'll travel along

Singing a song

Side by side.

Don't know what's comin' tomorrow

Maybe it's trouble and sorrow

But we'll travel the road

Sharing our load

Side by side.

Through all kinds of weather

What if the sky should fall?

Just as long as we're together,

It doesn't matter at all.

When they've all had their quarrels and parted

We'll be the same as we started

Just a-traveling along

Singing a song

Side by side.

We're all hunting for something

Something we don't know what

'Cause none of us are satisfied with things we know we've got.

We all forget about moonlight,

As soon as we've given our vow

But we'd all be so happy if we'd start and sing right now:

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money,

Maybe we're ragged and funny

But we'll travel along

Singing a song

Side by side.

Don't know what's comin' tomorrow

Maybe it's trouble and sorrow

But we'll travel the road

Sharing our load

Side by side.

In this case I can definitely say that its more like

Side by Side by Side.

These days and my dog who warms my heart...

Summer for most students has officially ended! Schools are again filled with students and one lucky school in Eden Prairie has my niece in a kindergarten class filled with other sweet, bright eyed kids, excited to learn.

I am stunned by how fast she has grown up. I look at her and remember how small she once was

and all the special moments that I got to have with her when I had babysat or just had been there for her and her mom.

These days just seem to disappear so fast and just when I seem to get used to how things are, they change again! Change doesn't scare me too much and growth in life has always seemed like a good thing... But growth also can also be a bad thing.

The growth in years brings new knowledge and insight that sometimes makes me wish that I was a kid again. Not that my childhood was an easy one, but as bad as it felt sometimes... it definitely beats some of my adulthood.

Some of these days are filled with difficult health problems and medical bills that I am still trying to pay off. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in this situation and I wonder how my mother managed my health issues when I was a kid and one of her five kids no less! With an insufficient amount of child support for her oldest three!

How she stayed calm, how she didn't get a lump in her throat just looking through the bills, how she managed the tough phone calls and managed to keep from bursting into tears, must only be by the grace of God. These days I don't feel like I have much of that...

It must of been all her goofy kids that put a smile on her face some days. Like my dog, who I now call my "fur-baby" Fergie stares at our mirror and poses! Or she cuddles right up to me and pats me with her paw! She just warms my heart!

I hope that I brought my mom joy some of those days and I hope that I will someday have all of this stuff down. Until then I will look to God for the grace and peace to survive it all.

The Themes that Continue

Sickness, financial instability, and estimation! 3 themes that continue in my life...

I'll start with the last one first and go to the beginning of the list.

Estimation. Whether its feeling underestimated (which I quite often do) or overestimating/underestimating what's coming next. I feel like I am always trying to formulate where I am, where Michael and I are in life! I am always over-thinking and analyzing (more like over-analyzing) what I do, what I say, how it was perceived, whether I am worthy (or not worthy), who really cares about me and why things are the way they are! Am I not praying enough, reading my bible enough, am I being a Christ-like example to the world around me?

Which leads me to financial instability! I am constantly thinking about if I could just find a job that I can handle at this point that pays enough, or if Michael could just get that job promotion we could get to a better place! It doesn't ever just happen and I wish I was healthy enough to work whatever job I wanted!

Which brings me to sickness! With illness there comes doctors and their bills.

And sometimes people who tell you all of their opinions about the situations...

There are people, who may have meant well, but have hurt me deeply, by telling me that I would be surprised at how many of the health issues that "I must be facing, would go away if I would just work out and lose some weight."

The weight did not come before the sickness! The health issues came and then the weight did too.

I am not gonna lie, college for me, like so many others brought the "freshman 15" because of some poor habits. However a lot of my weight came after Michael and I got married and I started getting sick.

I was working out fairly regularly and actually lost weight before our wedding... which now that I think about it I was having health issues BEFORE we got married, because I had to cut down some activity and plateaued.

And anyway I have had health issues since I was a kid! Asthma(diagnosed at 7), Allergies (tested and discovered at 12 or13) and started fainting at 14 they call it Vaso-Vagel Syncope.

After childhood I started getting headaches (diagnosed first as migraines at 20 then they thought it was actually related to school stress and study environments... which when I changed my study places did go away), a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst (both found, diagnosed and operated on in the same year at 25).

I don't know why these things keep happening to me... but they are all continuing themes that don't want to go away. I am getting better at facing these trials. I am getting better at stopping my brain from analyzing myself into the ground. Most of all I am still praising God for His love and grace and peace when I struggle, but it doesn't mean that I am not tired. And though they don't usually keep me from the ministries I participate in, they have kept me from them before.

I am facing another health crisis and if you noticed the pattern that there seems to be... its right on time... I'm scared and like I said, I am tired!!! And I don't want to give up anything!

I am praying that God would bless you all and that you and yours won't have to go through any of this. And if you think of me can you send a prayer my way too?

Complaints Aside

I know that it has been a while and like most people I have used my blog to vent about a few things, but I have again decided that I don't want that to be a regular occurrence. So...

All complaints aside, my life has had some bumps that have caused bruises, but God is still good and HE is in control! Hallelujah!

This path that I am on seems to change as I go, but it won't stop me from the adventure of going where God leads! Even though some events that have happened this summer have left Michael and I wondering what we are going to do on a personal/financial level, we have clearly seen that God wants us to continue volunteering with our youth group. That our church is where we need to be and that investing ourselves here is within God's will. I am glad to know an answer to at least one question on our minds.

Our summer has been packed with youth activities and catching up with friends who've been MIA and getting a dog, so I plan to tell you of all the adventures and share photos of our dog soon!

Be Blessed!

Old habits coming back again...

I have this very bad habit of starting things... like journals for instance and then not keeping up with them!!! I want to keep up with things like that and finish projects that I start, but my family says that I have an artistic mind, meaning that I am on to the next thing before I've finished what I am working on in the present! So that being said I am not sure that I will be the best blogger there ever was...

The recent happenings in my life have been all the plans I've known about for a while now happening! Like going up to Brainerd to visit some friends and go to a wedding in Baxter (which is only a few miles away from Brainerd).

Now we have all the open houses that we'll be going to and lots of barbeque's and bonfires and pool parties! That is all in this month! Then July has more events like those and another wedding and another reception too!

Anyway I hope that I will get better at blogging and I hope that more of my friends will tune in, even if my life isn't that interesting.

Wherefore out thou doggy?

For the 4 years that Michael and I have been married, we have talked about getting a dog.

The first couple years we couldn't get a dog because of where we lived, but then they changed the rules so that we could! So we had looked around a bit and found a dog that we wanted to save from a horrible pet shop, but didn't want to support the place she was at. She was gone a few days later.

So after we had almost bought one we decided that we should sit down and talk about what it would take to get a dog. Now we had already talked about being able to train a dog (I've watched and helped my mom train a few dogs) and about already having a vet (Michael's Aunt), but we hadn't discussed where we'd like to get a dog from and what kind!

We decided that:

1) We want to adopt a dog from a shelter.

2) We would like a smaller dog with a big personality.

3) We really like Welsh Corgi's, Boston Terriers, Miniature English Bulldogs and Spaniels (pretty much any breed).

Yesterday we went to a dog adoption fair after spotting a Boston Terrier/ Corgi mix named Dwight online at www.petfinder.com and re-discussing whether we can add a dog to the list of financial responsibilities that we have.

We were just in-love with this dog from his photos and description! So we wanted to meet him in person. He is a great dog, but what we discovered is that he has some skin issues (due to poor nutrition and allergies) and although he responded nicely to us, there were two other couples interested in him and he just took to the nicer of the two couples (both applied to adopt him). We haven't concretely decided not to try to adopt him, but his adoption fee (as with the other dogs from this rescue) is a little high for us!

So we're still going to be looking and hopefully we'll find the perfect addition to our family!

Ugh, Roommates...

I don't want this to seem like I am complaining, but I really need to vent!

Okay, here's the story: My husband and I (through the unfortunate way that life can be) had to find a less expensive place to live this past October and we are now renting the basement in a friend's house.

Our friend is a single guy who already had one roommate and got another a week after Michael and I moved in. So there are 5 of us in this house. But I really don't have a problem with the other guys, just our friend right now!

He is a really, really super smart guy and like some might imagine... it makes him more self-unaware than most. He's on the lazier side of home ownership and fancies himself a gardener which is weird... because he plants what he likes and not what would work in his yard, and not in the ground, but in planters that fill up his deck.

(background: I come from a family of garden smart people, who think these things through)

well anyway...

This is Minnesota and weather can go up and down so he's had to bring plants in at times and every time he has (since we've lived here... October and this spring) all kinds of unpleasant critters have been everywhere!

He doesn't mind things like this! He leaves spider webs and spiders all over everywhere because he "finds them fascinating" even after there is no spider living in a web he'll just leave it there!

He has a hanging basket with a ivy-type plant that he's let attach itself to everything in the dining room!

When we moved in, he was hoping that I would just kind of hang out in the whole house, but who wants to spend time with spiders running around all over? Not me! And in an environment like that? Again not me!

Now I am not saying that we're perfect! Our room isn't at its neatest and we've still got organizing to do in the living room of our area in the house, but I can't stand critters running all over the place!!!

I mean seriously, we went to bed after there was a centipede that ran across the floor and it was not small!!!

Then this morning I woke up to see a giant spider on the ceiling above our closet (which I made Michael take care of)!!!

Later I noticed that there were ants everywhere!!!!! And had after hubby went to work also spotted two more spiders(I was only able to get one of them)!!! Ick Ick Ick!!!!!!!

Not a pleasant experience!!!

Okay, I think I have vented enough. Problem I have now... is that I need more sleep and I am afraid to go back to bed.

Ugh, roommates! I just hope we'll be able to have our own place again soon!

Flowers that Don't Wilt...

Last night I went over to my dad's house, where Michael and I spent time with my Step-mom. Which is to say that Michael was watching a comedy show with her, while I was working on a late Mother's Day gift for her.

I was painting her some flowers on an 8x10 canvas. A plan that I have had since the beginning of April, when I bought a three pack of canvases.

But as with all good plans(sigh)... life intervened and I never did have the time to start on the projects for my mom, step-mom and mother-in-law before Mother's Day!

I asked Jana(my step-mom) what kind of flowers she liked most and what color she preferred and the answer was purple lilacs!

So thats what I did, I made her a painting that I titled "The Impression of Lilacs" and I just now realized that I didn't put the title on the painting before I sealed it!

I also realized that I don't have a photo of it to share with you :(

I'll try to get one to share soon! And when I get the other paintings done... I'll try to remember to get photos to share of those as well!

The honesty of me....

I will be honest and tell you that I am not confident in myself. I know that I have been at times or from all appearances have seemed to be confident, but I have struggled with my self worth through my entire life. It wasn't until a few years ago that I saw who I was through God's eyes.

Its this struggle with the line that runs between pride and humility that seems to catch me. To me pride and confidence go hand in hand. I can't really picture humility and confidence hand in hand. But its when I stopped and realized that I needed to have the humility to place my confidence in the Lord, not in myself that I saw how He sees me.

I will also be honest and say that I am a runner.

Not a runner of roads, but I have run away from the people and memories(both theirs and mine) of myself that embarrass or shame me. I think its because all those moments were the ones that I chose to stop being me, blend in and failed miserably trying to do so. I was ignoring the fact that God wanted me to be different. But I wanted to take the path that everyone else was walking on and not the lonely seeming one.

It isn't as difficult for me now, but back then all I wanted was to be like everyone else! Now I sometimes wish that I could go back and tell that little girl to be happy and enjoy being unique. I wish that I could take back moments where I checked myself at the door to go be a copy of all the other kids in the room.

I know that I didn't blow it all the time and I know that I cannot go back and undo the past.

So what I tell myself and what I am telling you... is that its alright! No you can't change any of it. Its in the past, but you can choose to trust God today, tomorrow and everyday in the future and follow Him where He is leading you! Isn't that great?

So I started this blog...

Here I am at 6:40 in the morning... awake, after not sleeping a wink through the night.

My husband Michael has gone to work already (he's been there for 2 hours now) and I am still not ready to shut my eyes.

So what do I do? I start a blog. Why? and what would I talk about? Not sure, but it has actually been something I have been mulling over for a while....

I had a really hard time coming up with a name for my blog. I feel like I am late to the game on this activity, as I was with myspace and facebook, I don't even have a twitter page (I am not sure that I ever will).... so I thought all the good names would be taken.

So this is my first post and I'll be adding more to it. Who knows maybe God can speak through me into the hearts of you who read it, whoever and wherever you are in life.

Angela