I'll start with the last one first and go to the beginning of the list.
Estimation. Whether its feeling underestimated (which I quite often do) or overestimating/underestimating what's coming next. I feel like I am always trying to formulate where I am, where Michael and I are in life! I am always over-thinking and analyzing (more like over-analyzing) what I do, what I say, how it was perceived, whether I am worthy (or not worthy), who really cares about me and why things are the way they are! Am I not praying enough, reading my bible enough, am I being a Christ-like example to the world around me?
Which leads me to financial instability! I am constantly thinking about if I could just find a job that I can handle at this point that pays enough, or if Michael could just get that job promotion we could get to a better place! It doesn't ever just happen and I wish I was healthy enough to work whatever job I wanted!
Which brings me to sickness! With illness there comes doctors and their bills.
And sometimes people who tell you all of their opinions about the situations...
There are people, who may have meant well, but have hurt me deeply, by telling me that I would be surprised at how many of the health issues that "I must be facing, would go away if I would just work out and lose some weight."
The weight did not come before the sickness! The health issues came and then the weight did too.
I am not gonna lie, college for me, like so many others brought the "freshman 15" because of some poor habits. However a lot of my weight came after Michael and I got married and I started getting sick.
I was working out fairly regularly and actually lost weight before our wedding... which now that I think about it I was having health issues BEFORE we got married, because I had to cut down some activity and plateaued.
And anyway I have had health issues since I was a kid! Asthma(diagnosed at 7), Allergies (tested and discovered at 12 or13) and started fainting at 14 they call it Vaso-Vagel Syncope.
After childhood I started getting headaches (diagnosed first as migraines at 20 then they thought it was actually related to school stress and study environments... which when I changed my study places did go away), a kidney stone and an ovarian cyst (both found, diagnosed and operated on in the same year at 25).
I don't know why these things keep happening to me... but they are all continuing themes that don't want to go away. I am getting better at facing these trials. I am getting better at stopping my brain from analyzing myself into the ground. Most of all I am still praising God for His love and grace and peace when I struggle, but it doesn't mean that I am not tired. And though they don't usually keep me from the ministries I participate in, they have kept me from them before.
I am facing another health crisis and if you noticed the pattern that there seems to be... its right on time... I'm scared and like I said, I am tired!!! And I don't want to give up anything!
I am praying that God would bless you all and that you and yours won't have to go through any of this. And if you think of me can you send a prayer my way too?
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